Song of Songs Study
2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth – for your love is more delightful than wine. 3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you! 4 Take me away with you – let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers. 5 Dark am I, yet lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon. 6 Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother’s sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected.
7 Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday. Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends? 8 If you do not know, most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep and graze your young goats by the tents of the shepherds. 9 I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh. 10 Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. 11 We will make you earrings of gold, studded with silver. 12 While the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance. 13 My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. 14 My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms from the vineyards of En Gedi.
The Beauty of Relationships
Attraction – What am I looking for?
Song of Solomon 1:1-17
What attracts men to women?
What attracts women to men?
Tommy Nelson Book of Romance:
Two tier:
- The Physical (outward)
- Character of Spirituality (inward)
Young and Adams The One
Three areas of attractiveness:
- Sexual Appearance – Do they look Good?
- Social Association – Do my friends like them?
- Spiritual Attraction – How’s their heart?
Senses – the woman
A woman will use all of her senses in being attracted to a male
v. 2 let him kiss me – touch
v. 3 the fragrance of your perfume – smell
v. 14 the vineyards of En Gedi – oasis river – sounds
Sight – the man
A man will use primarily one sense in being attracted to a female
v. 8 most beautiful of women . . .
v. 14 your cheeks are beautiful, your neck with strings of pearls
5 Dark am I, yet lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon. 6 Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother’s sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected.
7 Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and wher e you rest your sheep at midday. Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends? 8 If you do not know, most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep and graze your young goats by the tents of the shepherds. 9 I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh. 10 Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. 11 We will make you earrings of gold, studded with silver.
The Beauty of Relationships: Image – Who do I want to be?
Song of Solomon 1:5-11
What are men concerned about most often?
What are women concerned about most often?
As a child we learn that we are evaluated by others and ourselves in one or all three of the following areas:
- Appearance – How do I look?
- Performance – How did I do?
- Significance – How important am I?
His Image My Image by Josh McDowell
Self image rest on a three legged stool that relates to the three basic emotions we all have in common:
- The need to feel acceptance – Belonging
- The need to feel appreciated – Worthiness
- The need to feel adequate – Competence
The woman’s Concern – Appearance How do I look?
A woman will to some degree place value on how she looks to herself and others.
- Contemplation v. 5 Dark I am, but lovely
- Comparison v. 5 O daughters… like the tents, …like the curtains
- Criticism v. 6 do not stare at me because I’m dark
- Clarifications v. 6 My mother’s sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected.
The man’s Concern – Accomplishments How did I do?
A man will to some degree place value on what he has done or going to do
- Activities v. 8 follow the tracks
- Awards v. 8 of the sheep
- Arena v.8 by the tents of the shepherds
- Affirmation v. 8 most beautiful of women, v. 9 my darling, v. 10 to a mare harnessed to one of the Chariots
Song of Solomon 1:2-4
2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth – for your love is more delightful than wine. 3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you! 4 Take me away with you – let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers. 5 Dark am I, yet lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon. 6 Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother’s sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected.
Nelson p. 10
Character comes form the Greek word cherax which refers to the chiseling that is done by a metal engraving tool. Character refers to things that have been etched so deeply into a person’s soul that they are lasting marks, not easily changed or removed.
The Beauty of Relationships-
Reputation the foundation for a Trusting Relationship
Song of Solomon 1:2-4
Nelson says; “One’s name entails all of one’s reputation and character.” (p. 5) If asked what would some one who knows you best say about your character and reputation?
Value of our Persona – Name
Your name
Hb. Shem – name, reputation, fame, or memorial
Prov. 22:1 A good name is more desirable that great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.
Eccl. 7:1 A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth.
Prov. 10:7 The memory of the righteous will be a blessing , but the name of the wicked will rot.
Matthew Henry said: “We should be more careful to do that by which we may get and keep a good name, than to raise or add unto a great estate.”
View of our Personality – Nature
Is like performed, like purifying oil
Hb. Shemen – oil, olive oil particularly anointing oil. Nelson says: It is the first pressing of oil, the purest of the pure, and what we know as extra virgin olive oil. It was used primarily for worship in the temple. It wasn’t just the best, but the best God could give.
Three things to look for in judging one’s character:
- Reaction to Stress – purifying oil – pure under great pressure
- Reputation with Others – No wonder the maidens love you
- Response to Authority – made me take care of the vineyard
Validation by our Pursuit
Poured out
“… a godly man with a good reputation… the real question is not whether a man is good looking, but whether a man is looking for what is good in God’s eyes” (Nelson p. 5)
Prov. 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
If we respond to a person based on outer beauty we get a relationship that is only as deep as that form of beauty. A great relationship requires that we dig deeper to discover the very soul of the person. (Nelson p. 5)
Song of Solomon 1
12 While the king was at his table, my perfume spread it fragrance. 13 My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. 14 My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms from the vineyards of En Gedi. 15 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. 16 How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant. 17 The beans of our house are cedars; our rafters are firs.
Ephesians 5
21 Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. 22 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. 23 The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. 24 So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 25 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving, not getting. 26 Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, 27 dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. 28 And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.
33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
The Beauty of Relationships What We Really Really Want?
Song of Solomon 1:1-17
Affection – Woman – Yearn to be loved
Does she truly respect me?
v. 15 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. Doves are faithful to their mate. A woman wants to be loved above all other women.
Admiration – Men – Yearn to be admired and respected
Does he really love me?
v. 16 How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming!
Biblical Responsibility in Relationships
- Male: Eph 5:25 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving, not getting. V. 33 love his wife (Gk agape – unselfish unending unconditional giving love)
- Female: Eph 5:32 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ…, not by domineering but by cherishing v. 33 respects her husband (Gk phobeo – to be amazed, awestruck and to revere) Continually, just as girls love complements.
His Needs Her Needs
Men’s Needs:
- Sexual Fulfillment – He needs time together
- Recreational Companionship – He needs a playmate
- An Attractive Spouse – He needs a good looking wife
- Domestic Support – He needs peace and quiet
- Admiration – He needs her to be proud of him
Women’s Needs:
- Affection – She needs to be romanced
- Conversation – She needs him to talk with her
- Honesty and openness – She needs to trust Him totally
- Financial Support – She needs enough money to live comfortable
- Family commitment – She needs him to be a good Father
The Beauty Of Relationships: Emerging Relationship
Song of Solomon 1:12-17
Necessities in Emerging Relationship
- Access – Time together Yours becomes ours
16-17 our bed, our house, our rafters
- Attach less – No Strings attached
1:16-17 picnic in open view of everyone
16 And our bed is verdant. 17 The beans of our house are cedars; our rafters are firs. Bed = couch outdoors
Highly value of the person that you court
12 While the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance. Pouch of perfumed spices and resin that hung around their nick. It gives the woman her scent. Myrrh was one of the most expensive potent and aromatic perfumes.
Song of Solomon 1:12-2:7
12 While the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance. 13 My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. 14 My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms from the vineyards of En Gedi. 15 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. 16 How handsome you are, my lover! Oh how charming! And our bed is verdant. 17 The beams of our house are cedars; our rafters are firs.
Prov 25:17 Seldom set foot in a neighbors house, too much of you, and he will hate you.
Ruth 1:3-19 Ruth and Boaz spent 10 years together before saying “Where you go I go”
People are not ready to have a new Relationship until they are content to be single. To Close to Soon Jim Talley Phil 4:11
Three things to consider about time together:
1. Attitude
2. Activities
3. Accumulated time
Song of Solomon 2: 1-4
1 I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. 2 Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens. 3 Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. 4 He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love.
John Powell as quoted in Choices: The success or failure of human relationships is determined mainly by success or failure at communication.
Nurturing the Relationship
Solomon paid attention to her. He lifted her self-esteem.
1 I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. 2 Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens. 3 Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men.
Foes of Conversation
- Demands – Telling what to do rather than requesting
- Ditching – Anger
- Disrespect
- Dwelling on the mistakes of the past or present
Friends of Conversation
- Investigate or Inform to understand each other
- Interesting – Focus attention on the topics of greatest mutual interest
- Intertwined – Give equal opportunity to talk
- Individual – Give each other individual attention
- Insightful – Make the conversation meaningful
· Captivation 2:3 Endearment my darling, my lover
· Comfort – Lack of Pressure Freedom
3 I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
She was completely at ease with Solomon, no threatening or unsettling moments. Ability to walk away at any time
· Companionship 2:4 Open Acknowledgement
Taken me to his banquet hall… his banner over me is love
Not ashamed for people to know that they are together.
A banner was a mark of
o Colors – Identity – in war to identify the king’s troops.
He had chosen to be identified with her.
o Coupled – Presence – To identify when the king was present in the residence. She was coupled with Him.
o Commitment – Spiritual blessing – Jewish wedding put shawl above the coupe to identify spiritual oneness.
Withholding Passion till It’s time
Song of Solomon 2:5-7
Passion Acquired
v. 5 Sustain me with cakes of raisins, Refresh me with apples, For I am lovesick
Raisin cakes were a love enhancer an aphrodisiac-seeds that could increase the seed of the couple, apple was of the pome order-probably a pomegranate considered very sexual because of it was juicy, seed-filled and rich red color.
Passion Aroused
v. 6 His left hand is under my head, And his right hand embraces me.
A description of sexual position, she could hardly wait to have sex with him
Passion Arrested
v. 7 by the gazelles and does of the field, Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases.
These two animals were easily flushed from their hiding places. Do not rush into a sexual encounter like a doe from the thicket. Key is to talk about it. Don’t let your emotions to over come or arouse you in other words.
1 Thess 4:1-4
Prepare for passion v. 1-2
As you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God.
Don’t be in such a relationship like that of a married couple.
· Live for God not for Love 1 Corinthians 7:32 cares about the things fo the Lord how he can please the Lord.
· Let God meet your needs not others Philippians 4:19… my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches…
· List God’s requirements/limits for passion and stick with it
Go out with God’s people, 2 Cor. 6:14… do not be unequally yoked
Get away from compromising situations, 1 Cor. 6:18… flee sexual sin
Persist in purity v. 3
This is the will of God your sanctifications: that you should abstain from sexual immorality.
75% of Christians fall into sexual sin
Three key words:
- Sanctification – hagiasmas (Gk) – the process of becoming separated unto God and living a lifestyle that is different then those who don’t know God. More and more like God then the world.
- Abstain – apechomai – from apo – from, echo – to have – to keep ones self from, to refrain.
- Sexual Immorality (fornication) – porneia – from pornos – a harlot, a prostitute, - any indulging in unbiblical lust or sexual acts with either sex.
Practice Self Control of your Passion v.4-5
you should know who to possess his own vessel… not in passion of lust like the Gentiles who don’t know God.
You are responsible for your won sexual actions, now one makes you do it, learn to control your sex drives!
Self-control, you can by the Holy Spirit.
Say it with pride that you can say “We made it pure”.
Song of Solomon 2:5-7
5 Sustain me with cakes of raisins, Refresh me with apples, For I am lovesick. 6 His left hand is under my head, And his right hand embraces me. 7 I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the does of the field, Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases.
Value the women more then sex so says the man! Men know their sure signs of arousal; they should be then ones to say stop and leave.
1 Thess 4:1-5
1 Finally then, brethren, we urge and exhort in the Lord Jesus that you should abound more and more, just as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God; 2 for you know what commandments we gave you through the Lord Jesus. 3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, 5 not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God
Hebrews 13:4
4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.
Song of Solomon 8:6-7
6 The Shulamite to Her Beloved, Set me as a seal upon your heart, As a seal upon your arm; For love is as strong as death, Jealousy as cruel as the grave; Its flames are flames of fire (the flame of God), A most vehement flame. 7 Many waters cannot quench love, Nor can the floods drown it. If a man would give for love All the wealth of his house, It would be utterly despised.
A Love that Lasts
Song of Solomon 8:6-7
The Perspective of Love
Hahabah – unconditional love between a man and a woman, God’s love for His people
The Permanence of Love
Set me as a seal upon your heart, As a seal upon your arm; For love is as strong as death
Seals marked ownership, possession, and affiliation
- Individual – set me (I want to be the one in your heart with your thoughts)
- Inked – as a seal (tattooed)
- Internal – upon your heart (1st with emotions)
- Identifiable – upon your arm (2nd on physically where everyone can see)
- Inseparable – as strong as death ! (permanent, just as long)
A true relationship with Jesus the bride and the bridegroom is marked by these things. Rom 8:35-38 Who shall separate us from the Love of Christ?
The Possessiveness of Love
Jealousy as cruel as the grave !
Envy is wanting something that belongs to another wile Jealousy (zealous- root word) is wanting what I rightfully yours. With Jealousy, one will fight to the death for it.
Such a difference.
“God is jealous for us. We rightfully belong to Him. He responds with strength against anything and anyone who would try to woo us away from Him or entice us to align ourselves with evil.” Tom Nelson p190
The Power of Love
Its flames are flames of fir (the flame of God {glory}), A most vehement {intense} flame. It will keep on burning.
The Perseverance of Love
Many waters cannot quench love, Nor can the floods drown it.
No matter what happens it wont go away: God’s true love is so intense. He still loves you. Love remains.
“No matter what happens, no matter how high the tide of calamity rises, no matter what circumstances or situation hits your relationship, true love will be unquenchable and unsinkable.” Tom Nelson p192
Give everything.
The Princelessness of Love
If a man would give for love All the wealth of his house, It would be utterly despised
This kind of relationship is so valuable to us it is worth more than all the money or anything else in this world or the next. It is your most prized possession.
The thing that is most highly valued here on earth like gold will be worthless in heaven. Example is the streets of gold there.
Kingdom of God is like a Man who goes to the field story and sells everything for that one treasure!
The Kind of Love Jesus has for us
- Selfless – John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends, you are my friends if you do whatever I command
- Sacrificial – Romans 5:8 God demonstrated His love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us
- Sharing – John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.
- Secure – Romans 8:38-39
38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor power, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
“Us” people who give there life to Jesus. Are you valuable to God? You are! Is he valuable to you? Christ Jesus is our most valued treasure after all.
Song of Solomon 2:8-16
8 The Shulamite The voice of my beloved! Behold, he comes Leaping upon the mountains, Skipping upon the hills. 9 My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, he stands behind our wall; He is looking through the windows, Gazing through he lattice. 10 My beloved spoke, and said to me: “Rise up, my love, my fair one, And come away. 11 For lo, the winter is past, The rain is over and gone. 12 The flowers appear on the earth; The time of singing has come, And the voice of the turtledove Is heard in our land. 13 The fig tree puts forth her green figs, And the vines with the tender grapes Gove a good smell. Rise up , my love, my fair one, And come away! 14 “O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, In the secret places of the cliff, Let me see your face, Let me hear your voice: For your voice is sweet, And your face is lovely.” 15 Her Brothers Catch us the foxes, The little foxes that spoil the vines, For our vines have tender grapes. 16 The Shulamite My beloved is mine, and I am his. He feeds his flock among the lilies.
The Courtship
Song of Solomon 2:8-3:5
“Courtship is defined as the time when you begin to date one person exclusively, frequently and with the purpose of determining if this person is the one with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.” p49 Book of Romance
The word comes form the Elizabethan period when ladies of the court were wooed an won by Knights. They did this through a process of frequent visits, attention, gifts and compliments. The man would ask the woman’s father for permission to court his daughter; this showed an open and serious desire to pursue the idea of marriage.
Courtship involves
Divulging Communication – Unearthing the hidden things
· Shared Truth v. 9 He stands behind our wall; He is looking through the windows, Gazing through the lattice. Sharing deep things about yourself putting yourself out there being vulnerable, opening up.
· Secret Trust 14 “O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, In the secret places of the cliff, Let me see your face, Let me hear your voice; For your voice is sweet, And your face is lovely.”
Deliberate Caution – Underlying and Unfounded expectations
· Shallow Tendencies 15 Her Brothers Catch us the foxes, The little foxes that spoil the vines, For our vines have tender grapes. Not going to fast but slow in the relationship.
Deepening Commitment – Us Identity/Us Factor
· Specific Time 11 For lo, the winter is past, The rain is over and gone. 12 The flowers appear on the earth; The time of singing has come, And the voice of the turtledove Is heard in our land. 13 The fig tree puts forth her green figs, And the vines with the tender grapes Gove a good smell. Rise up , my love, my fair one, And come away
· Sense of Togetherness v. 16 My beloved is mine, and I am his. He feeds his flock among the lilies.
The Love of your Life
SOS 2:7 do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases
Four key words for love in Song of Solomon
· Companionship Love 1:2 For your love is better than wine
Heb. Dode – Beloved, uncle, love of family or close friend.
Used 32 times in SOS: 1:4, 4:10, 7:12, 1:13, 1:14, etc.
Bro and Sis in Christ. I feel like we are family. Placed there like family. Side hug maybe.
· Closeness love 1:9 I have compared you my love
Heb. Ra’yah – companion, friendship
Used 9 times in SOS: 1:15, 2:2, 2:10, 2:13, 4:1, 4:7, 5:2, 6:4
Chose/choice. But not intimate. Up and down relationship wise. Front hug so to say.
· Connection Love 1:3 There fore, the virgins love you
Heb. ‘ahab – deep love of something or someone
Used 7 times in SOS: 1:3, 1:4, 1:7, 3:1, 3:2, 3:3, 3:4
Like drinking pop everyday. Deep love like, “I love my dog”, etc. Consistent that nothing can break this tie.
· Consummation love 2:7 not arouse of awaken my love until…
Heb. ‘ahabah – a deep romantic love as in a Husband and wife, sexual love
Used 10 times in SOS: 2:4, 2:5, 2:7, 3:5, 3:10, 5:8, 8:4, 8:6, 8:7
Love sick. Need. Means I will die for you. Do not jump to the end to then have to back track to the others.
CS Lewis in His book Four Loves –
· Action Love – proceeded by desire – thirsty – drink and are satisfied you don’t need it anymore. Use this to fulfill my needs
· Appreciative Love – not proceeded by desire – flower you keep coming back to it because you love it and enjoy it – it will not endure – physical beauty will not remain. Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting promises a love time of happiness, but doesn’t last. Infatuation. Flower turning to weed.
· Affection Love – through times together – bonding love. Reunions two or three and then no more. Counselor love. When the time of pain is over its over.
· Affinity Love – shared point of view, even friendship change, they evolve and often grow in different directions one day you wake up and find out the only thing that you have in common is that you are married on the same day.
· Altruistic (Divine) Love – opposite of these because it is not selfish. It seeks the good of the person love for their own sake. Desires what is best for the other person. Not about me but the safety of others. An example of this is the shootings at Virginia Tech with the German teacher who died telling the students to go through the window while he stayed and watched the door.
A lasting love relationship demonstrates two aspects of love: 1Cor 13:4-7
Attitude love doesn’t…
-Give up
-Care for self over others
-Want what it doesn’t have
-Strut (look at me)
-Have a swelled head
-Fly off the handle
-Keep score of sins of others
-Revel when others grovel
Action love…
-Takes pleasure in trust
-Always say “me first” – “love first”
-Puts up with anything
-Trusts God always
-Always looks for the best
-Never looks back (what if’s and if only’s)
-Keeps going till the end
Love is forgiving. Matt 5. Care for enemies.
We Can Work it Out
Song of Solomon 5:2-6:13
I have taken off my robe; How can I put it on again? I have washed my feet. How can I defile them? 5:3
Three stages of relationship
Nelson: Honeymoon, Disillusionment, commitment
Buddy: Celebration, Cynicism, commitment
They are already married at this point.
Six Stages of conflict:
· Both Parties feel Harmed 5:2-6
· Change of heart 5:6-16
· Reaching Out to Make Amends 6:1-2
· Communication 6:3-4
· Forgiveness 6:4-12
· Greater Closeness and Joy 6:13
What causes conflict?
-Lack of Communication
-Time
-Jealousy
-Take out frustration on the other
Five sources of Marital Conflict:
· Failure to communicate
· Financial problems
· Sexual difficulties
· In-Lay problems
· Disagreement about child raising or beliefs
How to Have a Great Fight
Eph 4:25-32
You can handle relational conflicts if you
· Keep it TRUE By Committing to honesty and mutual respect v. 24 lying aside falsehood speak truth. Don’t exaggerate. Don’t say something not true or assumed.
· Keep it TAME By making sure your weapons are not deadly v. 26 Be angry and do not sin Words to Avoid – you never… you always… Why cant you be more like … You can’t… You should… Use I instead of you and we even if you aren’t part of the problem. Attacking. Blaming others cause you don’t want to be responsible.
· Keep it TIMED RIGHT By agreeing together that it is the right time. V. 26-27 Don’t let the sun go down on your anger and give the devil an opportunity. Not in front of people etc. “Test the waters.”
· Keep it TURNED By being ready with a positive solution v. 28 rather labor, performing with his own hands what is good. Be ready to provide a solution.
· Keep it TACTFUL By watching your words and guarding your tone v. 29 Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth
Five Keys to Listening
1. Listen with Patience. Don’t blow up
2. Listen with Face. Body language/eye contact
3. Listen Until They are finished Speaking. Give opportunity.
4. Listen and hold what you hear in Privacy. Don’t tell others
5. Listen with out rude body language
· Keep it TIGHT By not arguing in public v 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander be put away
16 Axiomatic “never” for good communication when conflict occurs
1. Never speak Rashly
2. Never Confront in Public
3. Never confront in front of your children
4. Never Use your child in conflict
5. Never say Never or Always
6. Never Resort to Name – calling
7. Never Get Historical
8. Never Stomp Out of the Room or Leave
9. Never Raise your voice in Anger
10. Never Bring Family into the problem unless it is directly related to the problem
11. Never win through reasoning or Logic. Ex: No matter if I’m at fault I’m going to win with my debate.
12. Never be Condescending. Talking down to one like a child.
13. Never Demean. Belittle saying your not worth anything.
14. Never Accuse through “You” Statements
15. Never Begin an Argument if both are overly tired
16. Never Touch them in a harmful way
· Keep it TOGETHER By cleaning up the mess when it is over v. 32 Be kind, tenderhearted forgiving one another as Jesus forgave you
-2 ears one mouth. Hence we should be doing twice as much listening then talking.
There we go! I had promised the study up here once it was done. I hope that it was helpful to any who read it.
| 
